TANGO

Great relationships are like a dance; they move with passion in an interwoven heartbeat. This series of movements provide a lifetime of shared experiences, growth, beauty and style. Great dances require practice, learning the instinctive flow of your partner, encountering conflicting steps and learning recovery. When a couples life is out of sync, breakdowns begin to happen. The repeated impact causes callouses to grow on the heart. To be great at the dance, how do couple’s repair the soul well? In this short 3-week preaching series, the messages are made to inspire, challenge, and encourage you in your relationships whether you are single, dating, or married.

 

BIG IDEA

A GREAT RELATIONSHIP IS NOT ABOUT THE ABSENCE OF CONFLICT;

IT’S ABOUT THE EMOTIONAL REPAIR AFTER A CONFLICT!

 

JAMES 4:1 NIV [James said] What causes FIGHTS and QUARRELS among you? Don't they come from your DESIRES (GREEK – Hedone) that battle WITHIN YOU?

 

CONTEMPTUOUS FIGHTING

COMES FROM THE PURSUIT OF PERSONAL PLEASURE,

RATHER THAN CONTENDING FOR RELATIONSHIP CONNECTION.

 

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW

WITH A 94% CERTAINTY

THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WILL SUCCEED?

 

4 HORSEMEN OF APOCALYPSE (JOHN GOTTMAN)

CONTEMPT

CRITICISM

DEFENSIVENESS

STONEWALLING

 

80% of DIVORCED men and women said their marriage broke up because they GRADUALLY GREW APART and lost a sense of CLOSENESS, or because they did not FEEL LOVED and APPRECIATED.

- Lynn Gigy & Joan Kelly (Divorce Mediation Project)

 

Only 27% of couples said an EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR was even PARTIALLY TO BLAME.

- Lynn Gigy & Joan Kelly (Divorce Mediation Project)

 

Only 40% of the time do couples DIVORCE because they are having FREQUENT, DEVASTATING FIGHTS.

- Lynn Gigy & Joan Kelly (Divorce Mediation Project)

 

More often marriages end because, to avoid constant skirmishes, husband and wife distance themselves so much that their friendship and sense of connection are lost.

- Lynn Gigy & Joan Kelly (Divorce Mediation Project)

 

MISUNDERSTANDING

90% of the time couples misunderstand one another. … Many see conflict in a relationship as a sign of incompatibility; however, it should be seen as a sign that relationship needs growth to occur.

- John Gottman

 

WHY FIGHT?

COUPLES FIGHT ABOUT NOTHING. Surprising as this may sound, after studying couples in the Love Lab for over 40 years, this is our conclusion.

- John Gottman

 

CONFLICT TYPES

RESOLVABLE (31%) & PERPETUAL (69%)

  • Meg wants a baby – Donald doesn’t

  • Joe is lax about house-chores – Susan nags

  • Tony wants kids to be Catholics – Jane wants Baptist

  • Angie thinks Ron is too critical of kids

  • Lacey is shy and struggles with Andy, who is loud

  

Despite their differences these couples remain very satisfied with their marriages because they have hit upon a way to deal with their unbudgeable problem so it doesn't overwhelm them. They've learned to keep it in its place and to have a sense of humor about it.

- John Gottman

 

REPAIR WELL

  1. Fighting itself is not “bad”

  2. Don’t apologize too soon

  3. Soften your startup

  4. Begin with how you felt

  5. Explain your perceptions

  6. Turn towards with empathy

  7. Take responsibility

  8. Apologize

  9. Grow for future similar incidents

  10. Put the relationship in an ecosystem

  

ACTIVATION

OUT OF EVERYTHING WE TALKED ABOUT TODAY,

WHAT IS YOUR ONE NEXT STEP THAT YOU NEED TO TAKE?

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