BOUNDARIES: MATURITY - IS YOUR RELATIONAL AWARENESS GROWING?

BOUNDARIES SESSION 01 NOTES

This semester in Group focuses on the topic of relational boundaries. Our special guest is Rick Presley, LCMFT. 

 

1.  To grow in relationship bonds, we must first grow in SELF-AWARENESS. What does that mean?

  • NORMALIZING:  It’s totally normal to FEEL the harm from relational interactions. It’s normal and healthy to ask yourself, “Why does this person pull the life out of me." This awareness is actually a sign of growth.
  • SELF-DIFFERENTIATION:  Me, You, Us:  3 differentiated persons
  • INTERDEPENDENCE:  Dependence, independence and interdependence

 

2.  If we were going to INTERVIEW OURSELVES, or assess ourselves, what would that look like?

  • SELF-QUESTION #1 – “What does this (person, group, event, environment) do to me?”
    • “What do I feel?” Loss of control, victimized, less-than, frustrated, disrespected, unseen, devalued, unloved. If a friend can’t celebrate WHO YOU ARE they aren’t your friend.
    • “What destructive narratives run through my mind?”
    • “Are these feeling directly associated with a specific person, group, event or environment?” If so, identify and specify exactly who or what it is that triggers you.

 

  • SELF-QUESTION #2 – “How long does it take me to get back to zero after I have been with this person, group, event or environment?” “How long does it take me to detox?” People have the ability to judge and project on you like a Taylor Swift tune that lodges in your brain’s auditory cortex.

 

  • SELF-QUESTION #3 – “What justifications do I wrestle with?” (Maybe THEY say this, or maybe YOU say this).
    • “Well, its all in good fun!” But if it is all in good fun why do you lose sleep over it? When you anticipate seeing that person, why are you armoring up in preparation for impact? Why are you still bothered by it two days later ?
    • “They mean no harm.” But if you have been harmed repeatedly, what they "mean" is not important to your emotional health and energy. You were harmed and will be again. 
    • “I just need to be tougher and stronger.” Maybe you do need to be tougher and stronger, but that doesn’t mean you need to continue to put with this. 

 

  • SELF-QUESTION #4 – “Why do I keep thinking about this? Why do I get dysregulated emotionally with this?” For some reason you are thinking about it. For some reason it tends to dysregulate you.

 

  • SELF-QUESTION #5 – “Is this good stewardship of my energies?” How does this affect the divine spark, the honor God’s image deep inside you? Does this at some level - drain, threaten and wound the very primal life force that flickers within you? Does it suck the life out of you, or make you hate your life?”

 

3.  Sometimes people MASQUERADE, announcing themselves as something other than what they really are.

  • EXAMPLES:  A masquerade is when something announces itself as something other than what it really is. Sometimes people will masquerade as family, friends, partners, brothers, sisters, etc. Toxic and destructive relationships masquerade as something they are not. After the harm is done to you they may manipulate your interpretation by statements like:
    • “I’m just being loyal.”
    • “I’m just speaking truth.”
    • “Well you know, iron sharpens iron.” – If this is that, I don’t want to be iron.
    • “This is your duty.” “This is your obligation.” “This is just what your supposed to do.”
    • “After all I have done for you, you owe me…”

 

  • WHO MADE THESE RULES? Ask yourself “What is this? Is this a masquerade or mask?”
    • Who?:  Who made these rules, or who decided these definitions? Who decided that if you don’t show up to an event “that” you are disloyal? Who decided what your obligation is?
    • Did You?:  Did you formally agree to any of these definitions, or are they simply projected to you from the rears? Did you sign a contract somewhere? How did these expectations get established?
    • Are You Required to Be Disloyal to Yourself?:  To be defined by them as loyal, does it require you to be disloyal to yourself and who you want to be?

 

  • SUMMARY:  Sometimes a long-time friend or family member can be absolutely lethal to your soul, yet they announce themselves as a friend or family.

 

  • PAINFUL IMPLICATIONS:  This can be completely heartbreaking when you realize that certain people in your life have masqueraded for years. It can be disorienting. To identify someone as a violator can be both traumatizing and liberating to you.
Patrick NorrisComment